a long-overdue letter.

dear you-know-who-you-are-even-though-you-will-never-read-this,

this is going to be a long letter filled with a lot of random nonsense and incoherent ramblings, and you may think this is silly and pointless, but please... try to understand what i'm attempting to convey...

i wish i understood your brain. because then maybe i could help you understand what you're really thinking and feeling. and then you won't repeat another stupid mistake like this one...i know this isn't what you really wanted. i know because you couldn't look me in the eye when i asked if this was what you wanted. not even for a second.

its clear that you were only thinking of yourself when you made this decision. you took no thought of how i might feel, the heartbreak, the tears that would follow, and that still occasionally fall when i think of you. you made a completely emotional decision, not in the least bit rational or logical. we had been great friends for years. almost 6 years. you were one of my favorites and one of my best. it is almost impossible to just erase that with a few words... yet somehow, you found a way.

you can't ignore me. and i won't ignore you. i have been ever-so tempted to call you. text you. re-add you as a friend on facebook. even drop by your apartment randomly... act as if nothing ever happened. i wonder what you would do in that situation...? would you continue to pretend i don't exist? at that point, i don't think you can... especially if i'm standing right in front of you. the only reason i won't put myself in that situation is because i am so afraid that you will hurt me more than you already have.

you ignore me when you come into my work. act as if i'm just like any other of my co-workers - unimportant and no one special, almost invisible. but... i can see that you aren't afraid to look them in the eye, to say "hello" and thank them for their service. you come to my area, and you tense up, deliberately stare at the ground, grab your food and run to your table where you sit...by yourself. i laugh a little on the inside, because you brought this upon yourself. you chose this fate for the both of us. you could have had a friend to sit with, to talk to... but you chose otherwise.

if you knew me at all, you would know that everything that "happened" stemmed from many a miscommunication... actually, it stemmed from NO communication. period. from either of us. BOTH of us are at fault here. the last night when we "talked" you went on and on and ON about everything that i did wrong. in your thoughts/explanation of the last 5 years, nothing seemed to be your fault. i hope you know now that i am not perfect; no one is... i fear you expected me to be. you expected me to pick up your slack and make up for your inexperience. i can't do that. no one can... it takes two people to learn in a relationship. whether friendship or something more, two people are needed in order for it to work. thinking back, it was always you that ran away. i hope this doesn't become a recurring theme in your life, or you will end up a sad, lonely man.

people and my relationships with them are the most important things in my life. they always have been...we even discussed this as we drove back up to provo (remember that 12 HOUR car ride??) - that i am a very loyal person. if that conversation meant anything to you, even in the least bit, you would know that it is and was never my intention to "lead you on" or "use and abuse" you. regardless of my "relationship status" with you or anyone else, you remained on of my closest friends. i wanted you to understand that my dating someone else didn't change that strong foundation we had. apparently, all i did wasn't enough... here was a time when communication really would have helped us. both of us... yes, i know i have a lot of commitments, (something that is a fault of mine), and because of that, it is often hard for me to do all that i take on. when i am able to do it all, some edges may not be smooth and surfaces my not be polished. but i did my darn best... all for you. no one is perfect, but that doesn't mean someone's best can't be enough. i am a people-pleaser, and a people lover. it is never my intention to hurt anyone i know. and if you knew even the slightest bit about me, you would have understood that. being a people-please is both a good and a bad thing. the bad thing is that it makes it really easy for people like you to walk all over me. you tell me what to do and i listen - even if it requires hurting myself.

i wear my emotions on my sleeve, and for what you can't see by looking at me, i am an open book - ask me a question and i'll tell you my opinion no matter how bold or reserved it may be. you asked, i'll tell... and trust. i'll trust that you won't love me any less because of it. you can't know what a person is thinking - ever. though you seemed to "know" what was happening in my mind. have no fear, you are not the only one out there who doesn't speak words. the whole world refuses to communicate these days. everything is done is a beat-around-the-bush manner, and almost no communication happens face to face anymore. true emotion cannot be conveyed through text messages, freakin' twitter, even facebook or words spoken over the phone. you can't read a book if you're not looking at it. ask a question, earn that trust and both will blossom from the roots of your relationship that have just grown infinitely deeper. you never took that chance... and a lot of people don't. this is another way that makes it easy for me to be walked on. but don't feel too bad about this, i guess, because you are not the first and most likely will not be the last. i always pick myself up, though the amount of time required to do so depends. but even after i recover, it does not mean my heart doesn't still hurt when i think of you...

though your decision hurt me (and i was surprised at how much), part of me is thankful that i was able to see this side of you before it was too late. believe it or not, we were just about to start a relationship; both of us wanted it and we were so close but... something in you snapped. there was just something you weren't able to get past - that communication barrier. but it wasn't placed there by me. not alone, anyway. i tried to break it down, just a little bit; that was when you snapped. as i said earlier, i hope you are able to overcome this, otherwise loneliness is all that can be promised for your future.

i know i haven't said everything as eloquently as i could have, nor have i said everything that i've thought about and have wanted to say to you over the past few months since we have spoken. but, long story short... i still care for you. and i will always treasure how we met, how we grew together and the moments we spent together as the best of friends. the last night i cannot forget; i will remember every word you said to me and, unfortunately, i will remember how you silenced me with your decision. i want more than anything to just put this all behind us, pretend it never happened but learn from our mistakes... i want you to know that i have forgiven you. and please, forgive me... for who knows how or even if we will ever truly cross paths again? will i walk up to you and try to start anew? or will we make eye contact from across the room, acknowledge the presence of the other, but remain in our mutual stubbornness? or will your face be punched in the next time i see you...? let's just hope, if its meant to be, that our paths cross on a good day for me. neither of us should have to hurt anymore because of this.

- me.

excuses, excuses...

i know i haven't posted anything yet on my "thoughts of love" as was promised... life is picking up because its the end of the semester - work must be done, dances must be perfected, tour clothes must be found, parties [are sometimes] attended, tests must be studied for because grades need to improve because my never-ending sickness took a toll on those... and because of that, priorities must be adjusted. my priority for this past week was sleep, and its paying off!! the only remaining symptom from my month-long illness is the occasional sinus pressure headache and nasty phlegm (ew). but i am well on my way to recovery - hallalujah! just know that i have been jotting my "thoughts of love" whenever they may come to mind, and i am slowly (but surely!) elaborating on them in a saved post that will (sooner or later) be posted.

in conclusion, if there is one thing that i learned from the "fourteen days of valentines" it is to not promise a blog post every day for two weeks straight when you haven't written in months... for you will, inevitably, fail. hahaha... post when you have something to post and don't promise more than you know you can handle...!

- me

PS as a second conclusion/side note/post script... PANIC! OFFICIALLY RETURNS ON TUESDAY. i'm not excited at all.

formal apology, hopeful redemption.

so... if you'll notice... days 9-14 seem to be missing from my fourteen days of valentine's. welp, this is because i didn't write anything for those days. i'm not sure why... maybe its because my last post (about ryan) was extremely hard for me to write. (actually, that's the main reason...) i think its also because i got sick on the night of valentine's day. aaannd... a week later, i'm still sick. which sucks, but that's beside the point...

anywho. as i continued to think about love and all of the many complexities of it, i discovered this nifty co-inky-dink that i missed 6 days of love. and there are 6 general (and extremely broad) questions about love that i would love to explore - the who, what, where, why, when and how of love. now, i have no idea what these will entail, but... i'm excited to see, myself :)

these will have to wait though. i am allowing myself the rest of the month to write these though... just because life is hectic. "why not start now?", you ask? well...? i'm sick. that's why. and i need to get better. tomorrow is a holiday, but not a very restful one for me. so i need to get all the rest i can now.

goodnight, world. hopefully i will arise healed...!

day eight.

today is a very special day. i may even consider this day even more special than valentines day itself.

today is ryan's birthday! he would have been 17 today... its crazy to think that almost 11 years has passed since i've been able to hug him. though i'll be honest - i've felt him hug me many times... in times of sadness, in times or pure happiness... he has been there. and he is always there for me, watching over me, my family, and those i love.

for those who don't know, ryan is my younger brother. he passed away almost 11 years ago from a brain tumor - yes, he was only 6 at the time. but i know he was strong through the whole thing. i know he wouldn't want us to be sad. i try not to be, but its hard some times...

this song "the miracle of love" was sung at ryan's funeral. i still don't know how my mother had the strength to do it... take a listen to the song, the beautiful lyrics, and the pictures of Jesus with the children during the orchestration. 

"the miracle of love" lyrics

the miracle of love has come into my life

as simple as a hand on mine 

as clear as eyes that shine

as dear as lips that smile and speak my name

this is the miracle of love!

the miracle of love has touched me like the sun

has struck a fire within my heart and suddenly i'm warm now.

safe from the storm now in the miracle of love

i've never seen a miracle, i thought i'd never see one

i never knew when i saw you that you would be one

the miracle of love has made my life a song

and i will sing it all day long and hum it while i'm sleeping

my song is sweet thanks giving that always i'll be living

yes, always i'll be living...

the miracle of love.
...

ryan taught us all a lesson in love and happiness. these lyrics represent ryan so well. he truly is the miracle of love in my life. he shared with each person that he met his smile and his love and he truly warmed each of our hearts. he could not be more deserving of his perfectly-fitting nickname "mr. sunshine".

i wish i had a picture i could put here so all of you could see ryan and his pure sweetness, love, joy... and just his pure life. just looking in his eyes you can see his sweetness...

ryan, i miss you so much. and i love you so much. i wish you didn't have to go as early as you did, but thank you for coming back every now and then to help us remember why we are here. you are so perfect and wonderful and i can't wait to hug you and play with you in heaven! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

PS if the above wasn't satisfying the need of love-learning for today, the following is a song about love - written by the same person and sounds exactly the same as "the miracle of love". (which is kind of the reason i was never a fan of the swan princess, haha... even at a young age i was a music snob!)

day seven. late? yup. you guessed it.

maaaan... i'm just terrible at this "everyday" thing... this is why i was never able to keep a journal in the first place. i did the whole blog thing thinking it'd be an easier way for my fingers to keep up with my brain... the only problem is finding the time for the two to connect.

today was another rough one. but... i was thinking earlier about the thing that makes it all worth it for me - what will, without fail, ALWAYS put a smile on my face - is the people in my life. i am seriously SO blessed. between my family, my roommates, my best friends, my teammates (old and new!), my folkies and even my co-workers... my life couldn't be any better!

this is me with my best friend, ari. and although we are dressed as salt and pepper shakers, believe it or not, this girl is my sanity. and being with her, laughing with her, dancing with her, hugging her and singing with her make me the happiest i can be, even this far from home. partly because... she is home :)

hi juss luff her so muuuch...

this is the perfect way that i could describe our relationship:
"friendship is born the moment when one person says to another, "what? you too? i thought i was the only one!" (thank you, c.s. lewis!)

turns out, great minds really do think alike! hehe... 

this is my day seven of valentines day. all for ari :)

day six. on time.

day six. holy cow... we're almost halfway done!! truth be told, i'm running out of lovey-dovey ideas for songs. now, i haven't really given a lot of thought to all of this but... with what i came up with off the top of my head, i'm running out of ideas. a little research is going to have to be put in if i'm really gonna keep this up for another 8 days... to be honest, i don't even know what i'm writing about right now...

love is one of those really tricky things. love is wonderful, love hurts, love lifts us up, love sets limitations... its a very contradicting. but yet... its an essential thing that you need in your life. you need that contradiction. there's the constant argument over whether there's that person that is made for you and whether we could honestly make a relationship and have true love with anybody... after talking with my dentist one time, (he gave me another one of his "pearls of wisdom") he told me that he had observed many families and relationship over the years and seen them either blossom or just fall to pieces. he mentioned my parents and family specifically. i don't think he has too many people that come into his office that are members of the LDS church. but just knowing my family and our situations alone, he saw just enough to know how unique we are and how unique our view of the world is... he said he noted that over the years, he'd taken note of the different ways that people define love, the different ways which they "see" love in others. most people these days don't seem to care about religion and where they stand on the political scale of things and like that... i know my parents don't agree on everything in life! my dentist did say that the unique thing about my parent's relationship (and he assumed LDS marriages in general) is that they work toward a common goal.

i feel kinda like i'm teaching sunday school in doing this, but hear me out. if you look at the image above, you can see that the arrows pointing up from husband and wife were to keep going they would meet each other - at GOD. they work toward one goal - getting to God, getting to heaven. none of this physical/sexual attraction stuff. they see that there is so much more to work for than just now... and they do just that. they work together for a common goal, and they make it there. together.

day five. late. again.

you know those people that you would do anything for? how far does that go...? ludo tells us just how far they would go. lemme tell ya, they have some pretty awesome things happen to them... but that doesn't mean anything because they don't have anyone to share their stories with. they would give up all of their stories and adventures to be with one person they love. they want nothing more than to grow old with the one they love.

"Anything for You" by LUDO

My ancestors planted some sequoias by a road

I've driven down that road since I was born

Oh, never have you ever seen so many perfect evergreens

But I would chop them all down just for you

I have walked a million miles in a hundred pairs of shoes

In search of some universal truth

Well a deity just came to me and handed me a scroll to read

And I will gladly pass it on to you.

CHORUS

Anything for you

All of this is true

But the best story that I could ever tell

Is the one where I am growing old with you.

I was having rotten luck and nothing went my way

'Til I stumbled on a clearing in the woods.

I found a town of leprechauns and grabbed each one for wishing on

But I would let them all go just for you.

I have crossed a natural plane and communed with the dead

But people always seem to want some proof.

No one even would believe, my love, that evil I got pictures of

But I would throw them all out just for you.

CHORUS

My scar is from a polar bear, my curse is from a witch,

I've caught a giant squid in all the seven seas.

I've picked up rocks from distant moons astronomers will discover soon

But I would give them all back just for you.

I've gotten drunk and shot the breeze with kings of far off lands

They showed me wealth as far as I could see.

But their kingdoms seemed all shrivelly and they cried with jealousy

When I leaned in and told them about you.

I'd give up anything

(Anything for you)

I'd give it all

(All of this is true)

But the best story that I could ever tell

Is the one where I am growing old with you.

All I've ever wanted, see, was to tell you honestly

I'd do anything for you.

I'd do absolutely anything for you.

adorable? yes. i just love this song... "the best story that i could ever tell is the one where i am growing old with you." but what about all those wrinkles, you ask? as much as i don't want them, i know that true love will look past and live past those wrinkles. yay for love :)

day four. late.

here i sit. on what used to be the 5th day of valentines, but its now officially the 6th, writing about the 4th... man. if that's not the story of my life right there, i don't know what is. you know how life just catches up with you sometimes?? yeup. that's definitely what happened this week. some of my thought s weren't as lovely as others, but... i still am making a conscious effort to be better at...being happy...about love...and stuff...like that. haha...

anywho. back to day four... where else to go now except back to the start of it all? at least... the start of it all for me, haha.

NSYNC!!

yes. that's right. 'nsync. my first love. this isn't one of their very first songs, but its still an absolute classic.

When the visions around you,

Bring tears to your eyes

And all that surround you,

Are secrets and lies

I'll be your strength,

I'll give you hope,

Keeping your faith when it's gone

The one you should call,

Was standing here all along..

And I will take

You in my arms

And hold you right where you belong

Till the day my life is through

This I promise you

This I promise you

I've loved you forever,

In lifetimes before

And I promise you never...

Will you hurt anymore

I give you my word

I give you my heart (give you my heart)

This is a battle we've won

And with this vow,

Forever has now begun...

Just close your eyes (close your eyes)

Each loving day (each loving day)

I know this feeling won't go away (no..)

Till the day my life is through

This I promise you..

This I promise you..

Over and over I fall (over and over I fall)

When I hear you call

Without you in my life baby

I just wouldn't be living at all...

And I will take (I will take you in my arms)

You in my arms

And hold you right where you belong (right where you belong)

Till the day my life is through

This I promise you baby

Just close your eyes

Each loving day (each loving day)

I know this feeling won't go away (no..)

Every word I say is true

This I promise you

Every word I say is true

This I promise you

Ooh, I promise you...

honestly, what is there to not love about this song? to be honest, i think my favorite part about this song is that it not only mentions "forever" but "lifetimes before"... love is eternal. just like everything else that is perfect :)

day three.

you know that movie "stardust"? yeah, its pretty amazing.

i have decided to watch a chick flick (of some kind or degree) every night in celebration of the fourteen days of valentines. is this a waste of my time? typically, yes. however, i have taken it upon myself to learn about love, so i'm going to, dangit!! and that includes what to do and what NOT to do in relation to love. so why not learn from those in movies? i mean, they're all real situations, right? riiight...

anywho. stardust. i watched it last night (kinda. i fell asleep pretty fast... but that's beside the point...) I LOVE THIS MOVIE. if you haven't seen it, SEE IT. i feel its a modern-day "princess bride" (not that... princess bride is THAT old...)

its about a star that falls from the sky and is now in human form. she has been taken "hostage" as a gift for a woman that the man, tristan, is solely set on marrying. the only problem is, the girl will only marry him if he brings her back something magnificent from ""the other side of the wall." specifically this star. now, as they begin their journey, the star, names yvaine, does not like being attached to, and forced to follow this boy, tristan. throughout their journey of meeting pirates, witches, princes, goats, and men-who-chirp-like-a-bird, tristan and yvaine begin to fall for each other. (typical, right?) there is one point in the movie where tristan has been turned into a mouse, and yvaine is so worried about him that she confesses the following:

“You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn’t true. I know a lot about love. I’ve seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars... pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I’m trying to say, Tristan is...I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it’s trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I’d wish for nothing in exchange...no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.”

isn't that just beautiful? now, i'm sure you can predict the ending, but that's beside the point. go back and read it all again. i mean, REALLY read it.

*re-reads quote*

(PS if you didn't get anything out of that, i'm just gonna say that you're a LOST CAUSE.)

the first time i saw this movie, this quote, RIGHT HERE, solidified my love for the movie... love is such a complicated thing. but... this quote shows you how simple it can be, and how powerful a simple thing like love can be. "i'd wish for nothing in exchange... nothing bu knowing you loved me, too."

three simple words. "i love you." those words are the solution to all of your problems!! all you have to do is say those words and truly mean them, and it can make all the difference in the world. it can make all the difference TO the world. yvaine was right - there are a lot of sad and terrible things that happen in our world. thank goodness for love, or there'd be nothing to wake up for tomorrow.


yvaine glows when she is happy... when she feels love!

love game.

so... since we're supposed to eat chocolate every day and everything... here's a little game to help keep you from going too far. or... it may make you eat all the chocolate you own in one sitting. confused? read on.

here are the rules to "the love game" according to lynette (and since she came up with it, she can make the rules!):

If you play this game well, it can help you fulfill your duty of eating chocolate every day!

FIRST.
get some candy (chocolate is clearly preferred) and put it in a bowl in a place MOST tempting for you.

NEXT.
get some writing utensils and surfaces, (ie notecards and pens or pencils and paper, etc.) and place them next to the candy.

NOW.
whenever you want to eat some of that delicious chocolate, you must write down one thing you love for that ONE piece of chocolate.

The rewards for this game are many:
1) you get chocolate.
2) you get to count your many blessings.
3) if you are like me and crave chocolate when you are depressed, you are forced to think of happy things before you eat said chocolate.

"Now think lovely thoughts..."


chocolate + love = perfection.