dear you-know-who-you-are-even-though-you-will-never-read-this,
this is going to be a long letter filled with a lot of random nonsense and incoherent ramblings, and you may think this is silly and pointless, but please... try to understand what i'm attempting to convey...
i wish i understood your brain. because then maybe i could help you understand what you're really thinking and feeling. and then you won't repeat another stupid mistake like this one...i know this isn't what you really wanted. i know because you couldn't look me in the eye when i asked if this was what you wanted. not even for a second.
its clear that you were only thinking of yourself when you made this decision. you took no thought of how i might feel, the heartbreak, the tears that would follow, and that still occasionally fall when i think of you. you made a completely emotional decision, not in the least bit rational or logical. we had been great friends for years. almost 6 years. you were one of my favorites and one of my best. it is almost impossible to just erase that with a few words... yet somehow, you found a way.
you can't ignore me. and i won't ignore you. i have been ever-so tempted to call you. text you. re-add you as a friend on facebook. even drop by your apartment randomly... act as if nothing ever happened. i wonder what you would do in that situation...? would you continue to pretend i don't exist? at that point, i don't think you can... especially if i'm standing right in front of you. the only reason i won't put myself in that situation is because i am so afraid that you will hurt me more than you already have.
you ignore me when you come into my work. act as if i'm just like any other of my co-workers - unimportant and no one special, almost invisible. but... i can see that you aren't afraid to look them in the eye, to say "hello" and thank them for their service. you come to my area, and you tense up, deliberately stare at the ground, grab your food and run to your table where you sit...by yourself. i laugh a little on the inside, because you brought this upon yourself. you chose this fate for the both of us. you could have had a friend to sit with, to talk to... but you chose otherwise.
if you knew me at all, you would know that everything that "happened" stemmed from many a miscommunication... actually, it stemmed from NO communication. period. from either of us. BOTH of us are at fault here. the last night when we "talked" you went on and on and ON about everything that i did wrong. in your thoughts/explanation of the last 5 years, nothing seemed to be your fault. i hope you know now that i am not perfect; no one is... i fear you expected me to be. you expected me to pick up your slack and make up for your inexperience. i can't do that. no one can... it takes two people to learn in a relationship. whether friendship or something more, two people are needed in order for it to work. thinking back, it was always you that ran away. i hope this doesn't become a recurring theme in your life, or you will end up a sad, lonely man.
people and my relationships with them are the most important things in my life. they always have been...we even discussed this as we drove back up to provo (remember that 12 HOUR car ride??) - that i am a very loyal person. if that conversation meant anything to you, even in the least bit, you would know that it is and was never my intention to "lead you on" or "use and abuse" you. regardless of my "relationship status" with you or anyone else, you remained on of my closest friends. i wanted you to understand that my dating someone else didn't change that strong foundation we had. apparently, all i did wasn't enough... here was a time when communication really would have helped us. both of us... yes, i know i have a lot of commitments, (something that is a fault of mine), and because of that, it is often hard for me to do all that i take on. when i am able to do it all, some edges may not be smooth and surfaces my not be polished. but i did my darn best... all for you. no one is perfect, but that doesn't mean someone's best can't be enough. i am a people-pleaser, and a people lover. it is never my intention to hurt anyone i know. and if you knew even the slightest bit about me, you would have understood that. being a people-please is both a good and a bad thing. the bad thing is that it makes it really easy for people like you to walk all over me. you tell me what to do and i listen - even if it requires hurting myself.
i wear my emotions on my sleeve, and for what you can't see by looking at me, i am an open book - ask me a question and i'll tell you my opinion no matter how bold or reserved it may be. you asked, i'll tell... and trust. i'll trust that you won't love me any less because of it. you can't know what a person is thinking - ever. though you seemed to "know" what was happening in my mind. have no fear, you are not the only one out there who doesn't speak words. the whole world refuses to communicate these days. everything is done is a beat-around-the-bush manner, and almost no communication happens face to face anymore. true emotion cannot be conveyed through text messages, freakin' twitter, even facebook or words spoken over the phone. you can't read a book if you're not looking at it. ask a question, earn that trust and both will blossom from the roots of your relationship that have just grown infinitely deeper. you never took that chance... and a lot of people don't. this is another way that makes it easy for me to be walked on. but don't feel too bad about this, i guess, because you are not the first and most likely will not be the last. i always pick myself up, though the amount of time required to do so depends. but even after i recover, it does not mean my heart doesn't still hurt when i think of you...
though your decision hurt me (and i was surprised at how much), part of me is thankful that i was able to see this side of you before it was too late. believe it or not, we were just about to start a relationship; both of us wanted it and we were so close but... something in you snapped. there was just something you weren't able to get past - that communication barrier. but it wasn't placed there by me. not alone, anyway. i tried to break it down, just a little bit; that was when you snapped. as i said earlier, i hope you are able to overcome this, otherwise loneliness is all that can be promised for your future.
i know i haven't said everything as eloquently as i could have, nor have i said everything that i've thought about and have wanted to say to you over the past few months since we have spoken. but, long story short... i still care for you. and i will always treasure how we met, how we grew together and the moments we spent together as the best of friends. the last night i cannot forget; i will remember every word you said to me and, unfortunately, i will remember how you silenced me with your decision. i want more than anything to just put this all behind us, pretend it never happened but learn from our mistakes... i want you to know that i have forgiven you. and please, forgive me... for who knows how or even if we will ever truly cross paths again? will i walk up to you and try to start anew? or will we make eye contact from across the room, acknowledge the presence of the other, but remain in our mutual stubbornness? or will your face be punched in the next time i see you...? let's just hope, if its meant to be, that our paths cross on a good day for me. neither of us should have to hurt anymore because of this.
- me.
